This I Believe

Given 7/08/07
by Kathryn Sturch

I believe that the purpose of life . . . what gives meaning to it . . . is having a positive impact on the world. I do not believe that I can personally influence my government or the governments of other countries or otherwise change the course of the world. However, I believe I can have a direct impact on the people I come in contact with, especially those in my community.

I have been collecting quotes from many sources over the years which have resonated with me not only as answers to "what is the purpose/meaning of life," but to the other basic "belief questions." Such as . . . is there a God? What happens when we die? Why is there evil? And why do we suffer? I am going to use these quotes to help illustrate my beliefs. I began writing this as an outline that started with the above opening statement and then went on to list points on "how I got there." As I began to flesh out my outline, I realized it basically paralleled one of the preliminary teachings of Buddhism, The Four Thoughts that Turn the Mind to the Dharma. I have been attending the Fellowship's Thursday evening meditation group for over eight years. I began meditating at home about four years ago and increased my study of the Dharma, which is the Sanskrit term for the Buddha's teachings. I have been excited to find that thus far in my journey, Buddhism eloquently expresses and supports my beliefs.

I have tried very hard to resist the temptation to explain what I believe in terms of what I do not believe. However, one of the earliest steps in formulating my current beliefs was deciding that there is no God - no creator, no ultimate being that give us purpose. And therefore, I believe we must create purpose and meaning for ourselves. This brings us to the first of the Four Thoughts which is "this precious human birth, so favorable for the practice of the Dharma, is hard to obtain and easily lost. At this time, I must make it meaningful." This means that, as a human being, I am capable of understanding the Dharma and I should not waste this opportunity to study and practice it. Not only does this refer to being human, as opposed to an animal or other being, but also having attained all the right conditions to learn the Dharma. Conditions such as, living where the Dharma is taught, having the mental capacity to comprehend the teaching, being open minded enough to consider the teachings and having basic necessities such as adequate food and shelter. Having this opportunity I must take it, and I, not some external force, must make my life meaningful.

I can best illustrate this point by using a quote from the book When Things Fall Apart by the Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron. As has happened many times before, she was able to take a thought that I have had for a long time and state it much more eloquently and concisely that I could. In this case, she is contrasting "theism" and "non-theism" which appears to be a much more useful construct that "theism" versus "atheism." The latter always seems to lead to the unsolvable question "so prove there isn't a God." She says, "The difference between theism and non-theism is not whether one does or does not believe in God. It is an issue that applies to everyone, including both Buddhists and non-Buddhists. Theism is a deep-seated conviction that there's some hand to hold: if we just do the right things, someone will appreciate us and take care of us. It means thinking there's always going to be a babysitter available when we need one. We all are inclined to abdicate our responsibilities and delegate our authority to something outside ourselves. Non-theism is relaxing with the ambiguity and uncertainty of the present moment without reaching for anything to protect ourselves." The point she is illustrating is that the Dharma is non-theistic.

"To abdicate our responsibilities and delegate our authority to something outside ourselves" is the primary problem that I have always had with the way the Christian God is usually presented. Hence, I have usually referred to myself as an atheist. Since encountering her description of "non-theism" I have decided that it is a much more constructive term.

She also says, "Non-theism is finally realizing that there's no babysitter that you can count on" . . . it is also, "realizing that it's not just babysitters that come and go. The whole of life is like that."

Pema Chodron also helped me give greater purpose to my precious human birth. Over a period of the five years, a group of us here at the Fellowship watched tapes of her teachings on the Buddhist text, The Way of the Bodhisattva. A Bodhisattva is a being that wishes to attain enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings, not just him or herself. This concept resonated deeply with me and made the idea of striving towards enlightenment much more intriguing and exciting for me. It is my aspiration that all my actions benefit others.

This is how I want to make my life meaningful.

The second of the Four Thoughts is, "the world and all its inhabitants are impermanent. In particular, the life of each being is like a water bubble. It is uncertain when I will die and become a corpse. (As it is only the dharma that can help me at that time, I must practice now with diligence.)"

I believe that when we die, we just stop being alive and only live on in the memory of others. Therefore, it is what we do now, with our life that is important. This is summed up well in the Buddhist saying: Since death is certain and its time is uncertain, what am I to do? (As in, what action am I to take, how am I to behave.) Or, as Jackie Robinson said, "A life is not important, except in the impact it has on others' lives."

When trying to articulate my purpose in life, I used to say, "making the world a better place." But I decided that was too subjective (I mean, who knows what "better" is), so I changed my phraseology to "having a positive impact on the world" which still carries the judgment that I know what a "positive impact" is, but wasn't quite as arrogant as the first statement.

One way this principle was instilled in me at a young age was by the Girl Scouts, who taught me to always leave your campsite cleaner than you found it.

In my teens and early twenties, like many people that age, I wanted to change the world. I became frustrated by my inability to find an organization that would provide me a venue to do this. Slowly, I began to realize that most of us are not going to become Gandhi or Dr. King or Mother Theresa. However, I believe we can all still . . . "Think Globally, Act Locally." We can do this daily in our interactions with others. If I smile and greet people, they are more likely to do the same. If I complain and gripe at work, I reinforce this habit in others. If I accept a request to change or redo a task with graciousness, I teach others to do the same. I think this can best be summed up in a quote attributed to Abe Lincoln, 'When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad. And that is my religion.'

From my study of Buddhism, I have found an even better phrase than "positive impact" in the statement, "I have the aspiration to cause no harm and to benefit others." It is my hope that all my actions be rooted in good intention and benevolent purpose. In my yoga practice, this is called ahimsa. The word aspiration is important because it implies an intention, but acknowledges that I may miss the mark.

Intention is integral to the third of the Four Thoughts which is "at death there is no freedom and karma takes its course. As I create my own karma, I should therefore abandon all unwholesome action, and always devote my time to wholesome action. With this in mind, I must observe my mind-stream daily."

Karma can be defined as the doctrine of cause and result, which states that one's present experience is a product of previous actions and volitions, and future conditions depend on one's present conduct. For a further description of karma, I turn to Buddhist author Stephen Batchelor, who says, "Karma is intention . . . the legacy of our thoughts, words, and deeds will continue through the impressions we leave behind in the lives of those we have influenced or touched in any way." The way I look at this on a daily level is that the intention behind my actions will be reinforced every time I repeat a behavior. Therefore, my intention and actions now will influence my intention and actions in the future. Pema Chodron refers to this as watering seeds. The seeds can be beneficial habits or detrimental habits.

Knowing the cause and result relationship between my thoughts and actions now and in the future increases my aspiration to pay attention to the content of my thoughts, so that I can align my mind with my deepest intention to benefit myself and others. This is where the practice of meditation on the cushion and mindfulness off the cushion in daily life, comes into play.

Observing the mind-stream refers to learning mindfulness and awareness through mediation. Mindfulness is seeing our mind clearly and noticing where our thoughts have taken us. Awareness is being present in the moment.

In Shamatha, the type of mediation I practice, we sit quietly and place our attention lightly on our breath. We notice thoughts as they arise, label them as thinking and, without judgment, bring our attention back to the breath. By learning to notice when our mind is lost in thought, either ruminating over events from the past or worrying about the future, we can pause, drop the story line, and return to the present. This technique really started to make sense to me one day while I was mediating next to a waterfall. I used the sound of the water as the objection of my attention, instead of my breath. After several rounds of noticing my mind wandering and bringing my attention back to the sound, I realized that the sound of the waterfall was always there but I wasn't aware of "hearing" it when my mind is lost in thought. By practicing meditation, we learn to observe our thoughts "off the cushion" as well. A good example of this, that we have all experienced, is driving home from work and upon arrival, having no memory of the drive, because we were lost in thought.

With time, we start to notice how our thoughts are often just habitual reactions, taking place without any actual intention. As I have learned to notice my own habitual reactions, I can often see them in others and take that into consideration when interacting with them. I can wonder, "Is that how they really feel or is that just a habit?" and respond accordingly.

Let me give you a couple personal examples of habitual reactions. I had a strong resistance to filling the water pitcher in the refrigerator, even if it was almost empty. I developed this resistance in my childhood, for some reason I can no longer remember. Neither my former husband nor my current partner ever complained about always having to fill the water pitcher, but it certainly wasn't fair that they always had to do it. Once I realized that my resistance was purely habit and there was no rational reason for it, I changed the storyline and now I fill the pitcher because I love Mike and want to benefit him. I had a similar resistance to changing the water in the cat's bowls. I would do it because it needed be done, but grumble to myself while doing it. Once I noticed this habitual thought pattern, I changed it to "I love my cats and I am doing this for their benefit." Now it is a morning ritual for me to fill the water pitcher and the cat's bowls as a practice of my desire to benefit my loved ones.

Our habitual reactions are often learned from our loved ones. My mother inadvertently taught me to hate doing laundry by going on about what a chore it was. Currently, my washer and dryer are located on my balcony about 50 feet from my bedroom closet. Doing laundry cannot get much easier, but had learned to react to it as a burden. Again, once I became aware of my habitual thought pattern and realized how silly it was, I was able to change my attitude about doing laundry.

These may seem like small, insignificant matters, but they are steps on the path to learning to see things as they are, without the filter of my habits. Thru Buddhist teachings, I have learned that we each see the world thru the filter of our past experiences and expectations. This filter, called ego, causes each of us to view the same event in our own way. Even though we all witnessed the same event, we would each describe it differently. Buddhist author, Ezra Bayda, describes it this way, "As we connect with the physical reality of the moment, we realize, that the apparent solidity of the self is actually a complex of deeply believed thoughts, habitual strategies, ancient memories, and sometimes unpleasant sensations. It's as if all our thoughts, judgments, emotions, and identities are separate aggregates, bound together into a solid world called ‘me.'. . . We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are."

Most of our habitual reactions focus around our desire for things to be different from the way they are, which brings us to the fourth Thought, "Just like a feast before the executioner leads me to my death, the friends, family, pleasures, and possessions of samsara cause me continual torment by means of the three sufferings. I must cut through all attachment and strive to attain enlightenment." The three sufferings are self centered attachment, aversion, and indifference, which are all a part of human nature. It is not the friends, family, pleasures and possessions themselves that cause suffering; it is our attachment to them. If you think about it, many of our most painful experiences often involve the loss of friends and possessions and the desire to have things that we think will bring us pleasure. When we don't get what we want, we usually react by wallowing in our discontent. Samsara is this continuing cycle of suffering.

This helps me to answer one of the core belief questions, which is, "If it is my aspiration to cause no harm, why do others intentionally cause harm?" One mistaken way we try to elevate our suffering is to cause others to suffer. A personal example of this was revealed to me while I was reading Reviving Ophelia, a book about the loss of self-esteem in teenage girls. The author pointed out that most girls who pick on other girls are doing so because they are trying to make themselves feel better. It made me very sad to realize that the girls that had bullied me must have been in situations that caused them pain that they were trying to alleviate by causing me pain. After years of resenting those girls, I suddenly had compassion for them.

In an attempt to tie this all together, I would like to leave you with a quote from a book I recently read by Silvia Boorstein entitled Pay Attention, For Goodness Sake. The thesis of the book is the connection between cultivating mindfulness and awareness (i.e. paying attention) and acting compassionately. In describing the purpose of meditation she says, "We begin to see, with increasing clarity, how much confusion and suffering there is in our own minds and hearts and we also see the ways in which our own personal suffering creates suffering in the world. . . When we see clearly, it is impossible to do anything other than address the pain in the world, to try to heal it, to hope never to add one single extra drop of pain or suffering to it. As our understanding increases, our hearts become more responsive. We become the compassionate people we were meant to be. That's the whole point of practice."